Help is defined by the recipient

I am coming out of another long family visit this summer.  And while these are great (especially for the kids), I can't tell you how many times I've heard "We're here to help!" with little listening or attunement to the real needs I have expressed. It all ends up being more work for me.

It takes a certain capacity and awareness to really help someone.  If we are dead set on being "helpful" the best way to begin is to ask the person you are "helping" how they would like to be helped.  If you are misfiring, not reading the room, or jumping in like a tornado, I am afraid to tell you, it is probably not helpful.

I think a lot about my bedside nursing days with this.  When observing and learning from some of the best nurse caregivers I noticed how they attuned themselves to the patient.  Does this patient need their hand held? Does this patient need me to sit and listen?  Does this patient need more pain medication given the cues available to read?  Our nursing practices are patient centered, why should parent centered care in the home be any different?

I've also observed many professional and experienced nannies use a similar skillset.  They usually come in and survey the scene, listen intently, and maneuver the home environment seamlessly, meeting the real needs.

The misfires, over and under responses are taxing on all.   

If we really want to help, if we really want to care, we need to listen.  When you learn to lock in with the need at hand and meet it, it yields overwhelming and nourishing results --- for both sides.  Being truly attuned to the needs of others, and the effort to meet it, can be an enormously rewarding practice. And one that is, well, ultimately helpful.