I was a Mom Judger.

I confess, I was a mom judger. 

Not too long ago, in what I now realize was an attempt to rationalize my own parenting choices, I totally judged another mom for focusing seemingly too much on the work she enjoyed and herself.

There I said it, guilty as charged.  Since then, I’ve learned the minute you start judging anyone for anything at all, expect a hefty dose of learning bricks to drop your way. And you’d better watch your head. I’ve also learned that the mom I mentioned above is now my hero. 

***

If you scroll through my linked in positions you’ll see I was a nurse for many years, became a nurse researcher, did some post-docs… and then what happened?!  A women’s co-op, founding/pivoting start-ups?!  A childcare and personal crisis hit me… oh somewhere coincidently around mid-life.  I wasn’t sure I wanted to stick within the confines of academia and for some reason I thought ***doing my own creative thing as a founder*** would require less time and personal investment (remember the life-lesson bricks?!).  

Looking back at my kids’ 0-5 years (and even beyond that) I probably gave up way too much of myself.  Too much of the positions I had worked hard to be in, my own health and wellbeing at times, and yes even those *selfish* things like enjoying my own hobbies and idiosyncrasies.  I always thought a good mama bear unequivocally descended into the dark bear den with her cubs until they could, to some degree, safely maneuver the world.  Turns out that happens roughly around school-age and for me, big mama bear was (and is) ready for those cubs to be in school and doing their own thing more and more.  But this has all left me wondering… after so many years seemingly locked in the den… what is my own thing. 

Perhaps if I had the conviction to assert I would not relinquish the work I valued or passions I wanted to pursue, much like the mother I judged, I would not have found myself in this weird-limbo-midlife-crisis-”holy crap I love this start-up thing just maybe 20 years too late”- space.  Then again, who knows.  

I’m writing this now to tell you, dear fellow mom or parent, that if you’re stuck in the dark bear den, consider poking out of it every so often.  Budget for extra babysitting, go paint in the garage if you want to, and don’t let this mom-ing thing totally consume you at any point (as much as you can).  It’s never easy.  But, please remember yourself.  And for the ones stuck in the den too long, without sunlight, just know it’s never too late to emerge.  If I can throw on my old Tori Amos music and belt out lyrics like a highschooler surrounded by Jimmy Hendrix posters and Christmas lights in my teenage room these days, well, you can too.  

You can do your thing.  You can find your way again.