What does it mean to "mother the mother?"

I have thought about this question a lot over the past 8 years as a mom.  I can say I’ve experienced glimpses and spurts of feeling “mothered as a mother” but it often happened by pure chance and inconsistently.

After countless talks on the playground and surveying 100s of moms and parents, I have come to realize there are mothers who feel consistently cared for and “mothered.” However these stories are often rare, especially since many of us live so far from parents these days.  Yet they often go something like this: “I’m so lucky… my mom takes care of my daughter 3 days a week so I can go to my job… she even folds our laundry.”  “I have worked with a nanny for 18 years and she knows she is like a 3^rd parent to our daughters.”  Or, “my aunts live next door and can often swoop in for babysitting, they bring over family meals, and they’ll even organize our playroom.” What makes someone who mothers the mother different than a traditional child caregiver is that they are, in fact, parent-centric.   

As someone who has been in the parent-nanny space for many years, I’ve noticed a strong, growing trend and desire among nannies to be, in many cases, solely child-centric.  Although their work unfolds inside the home, there is a strong preference to focus solely on the children and their needs.  It makes sense in terms of a nanny’s expertise and maintaining healthy boundaries with families.  This however does not match with what 47% of 214 parents told me they desire when working with an in-home caregiver: they would prioritize safe, quality childcare but would also desire 3-4 household tasks to be completed regularly.  21% of parent surveyed said they most needed exclusive help with in-home tasks.  Only 15% of parents stated they desired a nanny to take on exclusively a child-centric role.  What parents largely want is a nanny plus role (a term Lora Brawley of Nanny Care Hub coined). Whereas overall, Lora confirms, nannies prefer to practice in the standard, child-centric nanny role.  So it seems, nannies generally focus their work on the children’s needs unless that is part of their particular Nanny Practice or they are a full-fledge family assistant (see the Same Team Course for how to develop a nanny practice).

A doulas practice may come the closest to those key family members who swoop in to offer that specific and needed support to parents.  I think my heart actually went a flutter when I saw Doula Shelley Rahim of @newmothercaregiving (insta) post about her offering of cleaning and organizing the house when parents head into the first provider appointment with their newborn baby.  Her Instagram reel on this practice showed her incredible ability to care for and provide just the grace and support parents need.

Assisting with a few, key household tasks that many parents just can't get done are actually beautiful gestures.  And to many parents, mean so more than the completion of domestic work or tasks.  What Doula Shelly does in the example above is extend the warm gift of caring for the parent, and addresses the whole picture in which babies, parents, and their home environment unfolds.  In my nanny research, and I did have a few nannies, who have flexible Nanny Practices, tell me they have no problem with say folding the family laundry every so often.  This is especially true when the parent doesn’t come to expect this as part of the nanny’s role (if it’s not clear in the contract).  I’ve heard more than once that when a parent discovered said folded laundry she broke into tears.  Tears over laundry!  It doesn’t shock me… but why is the completion of such a mundane task so impactful to parents?! 

Our friends, the Zen monks, may offer a clue.  They say there is a certain, deep holiness in the mundane and that it can hold incredible power.  When you are swamped in unseen, mundane tasks (which parents often are) and someone sees and lessons that burden, it does feel holy and like an ultimately kind gesture. When caregivers attempt to “mother the mother” they may consider some of the household items and tasks as game changing work that directly communicates a resounding level of care to parents and families.  

I may be biased as a nurse, but nurses particularly practicing in community health, labor and delivery, and maternity nursing are often very good at “mothering the mother.”  We are trained specifically to address “the human response to illness.”  I believe many nurses utilize this framework when they care for a mother’s response to having a baby.  This is of course separate from direct baby care itself, but when you “mother the mother” there are countless downstream benefits to baby and the whole family.  Notably, even mundane tasks, like bed baths and emptying catheters often end up being connecting and observational opportunities for nurses and patients.  And for many nurses, like the Zen monks, these seemingly meaningless tasks can feel holy in the context of embodying true caring.

I personally felt so cared for, comforted, and attended to when I gave birth at a small community hospital where the nurses are notorious for “caring for the mother.”  There’s a buzz around our community that moms who give birth at this particular hospital never need a doula because the nurses are so attentive and in tune to the needs of mothers.  In nursing, we know that caring for the whole person, and the environment in which their health, hurt, healing, and joy unfolds, is critical.  When you tend to the needs of the patients response to the health event, or the mothers response to birth, everyone ends up thriving.  So why have we not utilized this model in childcare past the doula stage?!

Of COURSE providing safe, quality childcare where a mother or parent can feel at ease to take some self-care moments or pursue fulfilling work/hobbies is also a key way any caregiver can "mother the mother."

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Lastly, Richard Branson is adamite that his employees, not customers, come first.  He postulates that when a leader puts his staff first, the trickle-down effect to customers is enormous and maximally beneficial to them.  I wonder, are we getting the in-home care picture wrong without offering options beyond the child-centric?!  I hypothesize that if we develop an enduring model, beyond the early days of doula care, to care for the parent and “mother the mother,” children, families, and households will thrive in exponential ways. What do YOU think?